Doctor Who: The Tsuranga Conundrum

Back in 2010, being a Doctor Who fan was like being in a beautiful relationship. It was exciting, invigorating, and despite sometimes having no idea what was going on, you were never less than engaged. Even as the years rolled by and the rough patches came and went, you still knew why you were together. The good times still materialised with unerring frequency, and when they did you felt that familiar flutter in your stomach which could only mean one thing: you were still madly in love.

Then season ten came along and Moffat seemed far less interested in making it work, so we agreed to start seeing other people. Sure we didn't want to, but what else can you do when your significant other throws up the deuces and peaces out on you? So we swapped Moffat for Chibnall, and after five nightmarish dates, let me unequivocally state that I should never have agreed to the break-up. This is my fault, I was a fucking idiot, and I swear I can change. Just give me a second chance. Please!

Halfway through the season and the potential of episode one, and the slight lift in quality of episode three, have now well and truly been flushed down the toilet of banal stories, and it's time to admit that the show is currently... well, a bit shit. Tonight we were 'treated' to the most preposterous looking villain since the Adipose (sans discernible satirical context), some aimless running around, an emotional payoff less convincing than Bradley Walsh's background acting, the reemergence of the dreaded countdown, and another dreary non-ending where the villain managed to get away without consequence. In short: it was a typical Chibnall script.

One thing Doctor Who should never be is boring, and tonight, regrettably, it was. People on Twitter were making cups of tea half way through, I inexplicably found myself outside looking for my cat, fully aware that she was fast asleep in the bedroom. This was not an episode which held your attention. I seem to be saying it a lot these days, but there were too many contrivances, too much exposition, too many questions, and too little thought-provoking sci-fi. Which is sad because the show has never looked better. Well, apart from the ship interior, which looked like it'd been constructed by primary school pupils with just cardboard and felt-tip pens at their disposal. And the Pting which looked far too cute to be one of the most dangerous creatures in the galaxy, bore a suspicious resemblance to half a dozen already existing fictional creations, and were probably better suited to a CBBC show. Apart from those things, it looked fabulous.

But just too much dumb shit happened. The only reason the gang ended up aboard the Tsuranga is because they were out looking for something Chibnall couldn't even be arsed to give a name. Then the Doctor and Co. coincidentally bumped into all of the episode's main players whilst looking for the ship's exit, Astos did the very thing the Doctor told him not to do and died, a thousand questions were asked, and Dirk somehow managed to fly the ship home because he was a Cicero? Why he didn't pilot it in the first place, rather than throw his ailing sister under the bus, is anyone's guess. Presumably so we could have an emotional ending. Except we didn't. Sadly, it fell as flat as one of Chibnall's jokes on account of it being so utterly predictable.

The incessant questioning thing I'm finding particularly irritating. Why doesn't the Doctor know anything any more? A couple of episodes ago she knew nothing of currency, and now we're supposed to buy that she required an infodump on the Pting? It used to be that the Doctor was the smartest person in the room, due to age, experience, and sheer genius. Now she's less intelligent than half of her previous companions, seems to have a mere surface knowledge of things outside the human experience, and relies far too heavily on those around her. Perhaps it was a creative decision to tone down her brilliance and make her more accessible, but it comes at the risk of stripping her of everything that made her unique. God, how I miss the Doctor randomly pulling solutions out of his ass.

Jodie did her best with some shockingly bland dialogue, but Chibnall really hasn't given her character any memorable traits. She's also too passive. How is feeding and then airlocking the indestructible Pting punishment for killing two people? (One albeit indirectly.) What's stopping it from doing the exact same thing when it's hungry again? And remember how different Tennant's Doctor seemed to Eccleston's, or Smith's to Tennant's, or Capaldi's to Smith's? Jodie's Doctor seems to have kept some residual traits of both Ten and Eleven—which most often manifest when she's at her most rambling—but Chibnall really hasn't added much else. Plus, he doesn't do humour as well as his predecessors. Nine seems like a comedy genius in comparison to Thirteen. If in doubt, look how quotable the Doctor's dialogue was prior to this season.

Worse still, when Chibnall does try to break out the funnies, he does it through tonally incongruent comedy characters. In episode one we were forced to endure the 'hilariously' special Karl, last week it was Donald Trump-lite, and this week it was the bumbling Yoss. It's like Chibnall deliberately makes these characters larger than life just so we know they're the comic relief. But do we really need these visual and aural clues? Are we really so confused? And considering male pregnancy was supposed to be particularly intense, Yoss seemed to sail through it. Most of his anguish came from external issues rather than internal discomfort. Ask any woman that's had an intense pregnancy what it's like, and I highly doubt she'll respond with: 'Have you ever seen "The Tsuranga Conundrum?"'

It's Vinay Patel's turn next week, and in the same way that Malorie Blackman's influence seemed to give 'Rosa' a modicum of depth, here's hoping Vinay manages to do the same. Assuming the new writers room format allows for adequate deviation from Chibnall's house style. Honestly, I'm not hopeful.

Other Thoughts:

—I struggled to imagine what Yoss found so disturbing about one sex giving birth to another. How would it differ from what he was used to?

—The Doctor and Co's reaction to the Pting seemed wildly over the top considering how ridiculous it looked. Obviously they hadn't seen the finished CGI. Even Mandip Gill said they were cute on Twitter. Cute?!

—Doctor of Hope? Oh, for fuck's sakes....

—I was a bit confused by Ryan this week. He started out by seemingly sympathising with his absent father, only to see Yoss go through childbirth and change his mind about giving away his baby. Are we to assume that this event had no effect on Ryan whatsoever?

—I wish Ryan would just fist-bump his granddad.

Quotes:

Doctor: 'I'm the Doctor.'
Astos: 'Are you kidding?'
Doctor: 'Sometimes. But not right now.'

Doctor: 'And you. Off this ship, back into space, right now, else you'll have me to deal with.'
Graham: 'It just sort of ignored you there, Doc.'