Doctor Who: Orphan 55

Vilma: 'Benni!'

After a moderate upturn in quality last week, tonight was business as usual. The sad thing about Doctor Who these days is that an episode can contain great ideas, look superb, be full of agreeable political commentary, and yet still be utter shite. Tonight's story had a solid if well-worn story at heart, but was let down by mad pacing, underdeveloped characters, and an environmental message so clumsily delivered that it left me winded.

The minute Benni pulled out that ring, I knew he was dead. His request that someone shoot him was delightfully chilling, it was everyone's reaction to his proposal that I found problematic. Despite coming at the worst possible time, Yaz looked as though she were witnessing the most romantic gesture ever. You're surrounded by Dregs, Yaz. Now is not the time or place for a marriage proposal. If only Benni had been killed in the initial attack on Tranquillity Spa, maybe we wouldn't have had to endure Vilma repeatedly shrieking 'Benni!' at the top of her lungs. Poor Julia Foster. Vilma was such a terribly written, uninspiring character, that not even Foster's vast acting experience could elevate her above the ghastly. Worse, she was almost an archetype for the characters to come, all of whom felt underdeveloped, were hampered by lacklustre performances, and had wafer-thin backstories.

For example, Bella and Kane's story could have been good if it'd been given room to breathe. But the abandoned daughter plot seemed to appear out of nowhere, as did Kane returning to save Bella, only for them to have some sort of weird bonding moment that utterly failed to generate pathos. There was just no depth to either character. Kane was unrelatable, and Bella switched from wanting to blow everything up, to running headlong into danger with mumsie, so quickly that I initially thought it a ruse. I half expected Kane to hold out her hand, for Bella to take it... and then blow her fucking head off. Now that would've been a twist.

I have no idea what the thumb sucking at the end was about, either. I know it was a throwback to the Hopper virus scenes at the beginning, but other than that, what was the point? Remember when we were hallucinating and felt like shit? Yeah, good times. And what a waste to bring on someone of Laura Fraser's abilities, only to give her a tiny story which required nothing more than she wander around looking irritated. Ditto James Buckley from The Inbetweeners. Surely they could've managed something more inventive than sticking him in a green sci-fi wig and giving him some rushed story about a genius son who almost gets the Doctor killed by throwing a badly timed strop? Some genius. Did I mention the wig? I did? Good.

The Doctor I thought had a generally good episode. I like it when she's proactive, and when the words that come out of her mouth relate to what's going on around her, and aren't just a barrage of silliness and questions. But I couldn't help but laugh when she said: 'I don't need a second person for a conversation. A lot of time, they just get in the way.' Hime probably wrote it as a joke about the Doctor being the cleverest person in the room, but it felt suspiciously like a commentary on the frequent pointlessness of the current Doctor's speeches.

In fact, there was a lot of narrowly applied dialogue which could've been expanded into meta commentary. Graham saying, 'I am going to sit over there for three hours, then I'm going to sit somewhere else, and then cocktails,' could so easily have been a dig at the under-use of all the companions, the bland storylines they're often given, and the ease at which they're sidelined. And Bella's 'Pretending to be stupid, so people have to answer your question'  line, although aimed at Ryan, could have been an amusing poke at Thirteen's preferred method of interrogation. Not that it ever works.

The good stuff was the story itself, which was familiar, but ineptly executed. Which pretty much sums up the episode. Even the monsters were initially effective, but as the story raced along, grew gradually less convincing. For apex predators, there was just too much static posturing, shots of claws scraping along miscellaneous surfaces, and howling at the sky. Plus, the plot was just one big runaround, punctuated by puzzlingly frequent character sacrifices, none of which amounted to much as Vilma was an irritation, Kane's sacrifice didn't stick, and Bella's was averted at the last minute. Sacrifices are supposed to have impact and elicit sadness. They should never make the viewer feel relief or happiness—yet I joyfully punched the air when they binned Vilma, before sighing with a satisfaction so deep that I almost deflated a lung.

And what were we supposed to make of the fourth wall-breaking speech at the end? The narrative itself made it perfectly clear that this was a story with modern-day implications, so to clumsily repeat the central message really did feel like overkill. The growing threat of ecological disaster and the need to do something now is something I'm fully behind, and a story about the subject that shows the potentially catastrophic outcome of human inactivity sounds like just the ticket. I just wish they'd let the story do the heavy lifting, instead of ruining it with some inelegant last-minute appeal to our conscience. We get the message. You did your job. Now stop hitting us over the head, please!  I'm losing the will to live.

Other Thoughts:

—For six coupons Graham got a free holiday for four, with an open bar? That's some offer.

—When the automated voice said 'Master station', did anyone else pause over the use of the word Master?

—What is it with Ed Hime and characters with shitty parents?

—I'm not sure what to say about Hyph3n, nor the Doctor's initial puzzlement over the 3 in her name.  Has she never had a terrible password?

—It's hard to believe that no one has ever walked more than 20 feet outside of Tranquillity Spa's main building.

Quotes:

Graham: 'Are you have a laugh, mate? I'm a bus driver.'

Doctor: 'If I had crayons and half a can of spam, I could build you from scratch.'

Vilma: 'Has one of you hurt my Benni?'